“Drove my kids around town to look at Christmas lights but they brought an iPad so they could watch a different kid drive around his town looking at lights.”
Keeping the magic in Christmas by yelling “Don’t open that!” every time an Amazon box is delivered.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Drove our kids around town to look at Christmas lights but they brought an iPad so they could watch a different kid drive around his town looking at lights.
8-year-old: It snowed! It snowed!
Me: Do you want to go out and play in it?
8: Are you crazy? It’s cold.
If I have 3 children and we make 8 dozen Christmas cookies, how many hours later will it be until I need to make more god damn Christmas cookies?
Yesterday we got the rocket ship the toddler wanted for Christmas so it should come as no surprise that today he no longer likes rocket ships
7: Mommy, if there are elves that wrap the presents, and that’s their ONLY job, why aren’t they better at it? Our elves are so bad at wrapping!
Me: *mumbling* Maybe they’re tired from all the other bullsh-
Husband: BECAUSE THEIR HANDS ARE SO SMALL! MAKES IT HARDER!
When a toy says it’s designed for children 10 and older, they mean you shouldn’t buy it unless you have an engineering degree.
My kids are at that awkward Christmas age where they’re too old for toys but too young for Beer of the Month Club.
[listening to “All I Want for Christmas is You”]
8-year-old: The song is wrong.
8: She should at least ask for cash.
I know school isn’t the same in 2020, but at least I won’t have to stand at the holiday show this year because Brenda is holding a whole row of seats for people who haven’t arrived yet
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me moving the Elf: assembles a complicated zip line out of yarn and leftover holiday tinsel with Elf gliding across the room.
My husband moving the Elf: relocates it from one chair to another chair 3 feet away.
My kids are going to be super disappointed to see the # of gifts they have to open is drastically disproportionate to the # of times I hid in the bedroom this month screaming “do NOT come in here, I’m WRAPPING YOUR XMAS PRESENTS!”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know
[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
my wife just yelled “I’m gonna put baby Jesus and the snowman away!” to the kids and that’s the best cancelling Christmas threat I’ve heard.
My son got a new Xbox X for Christmas and he hasn’t come out of his room since it got delivered, and that’s what I got for Christmas.
In hindsight driving my kids around town for two hours to find all the best holiday lights was a lot of work to find out that their favorite part was “getting to pee behind a sign”
5-year-old: I want a little brother.
Me: Not going to happen.
5: Maybe I’ll ask Santa.
Me: He better stay away from your mom.
News – 23 Brutally Funny Parents On Twitter Who Summed Up Christmas In An All-Too-Hysterical Way